Okay, so you can read the headline, good for you. By bringing these claims into the light of day we are only performing our journalistic duty and in no way admitting guilt, because why would we? It’s not like anyone should feel bad in any way for a little bit of resource extraction. Furthermore, any conspiracies about a large deposit of shale oil underneath Villas Hall are categorically false. If you ask a geology professor about this they will unequivocally deny the existence of any shale oil within the entirety of the campus area, as well as the Madison Metropolitan Area as a whole. The look of fear in their eye will be due entirely to the fact that the question is just so stupid, and you should really feel ashamed for asking it.
Some have pointed to the fact that Madison Misnomer meetings have moved to 1am on all nights of the week as an example of something shady happening in Vilas. After all, if one were, in theory, to extract resources in a way that was in some way controversial, like through the process of fracking for instance, it would be in the best interest of said party to keep it hidden. However, this schedule change is actually proof against this slanderous claim. The late night shift in schedule is purely due to the Misnomer’s dedication to bring you the stories of Madison’s dark secret beating heart. Don’t tell anyone that I told you this, but there is some real shady stuff going on around here late at night, and it’s the Madison Misnomer that is going to bring you that story. Just you wait and see.
On the matter of certain Madison Misnomer members gaining extraordinary amounts of wealth in a short period of time, it should be noted that uncle mortality is at an all time high. The return of the Culver’s Curderburger really set the odds against all of our uncles, with at least 15 different incidents of cardiac arrest among Misnomer family members all occurring within the month of October. The truth of the matter is that the odds of all of our rich uncles dying at the same time was extremely likely and should have been expected. Also, yes, yes, the 2022 Lamborghini Aventador SVJ parked out front of Vilas was my uncle’s, and yes, gold was his lucky color. Well, not so lucky anymore I suppose.
So what about the sudden increase in Earthquakes in Southern Wisconsin, an area known for its relative geological stability? Well, first of all, fuck you. Secondly, we cannot comment on this issue out of fear for our lives. Thirdly, we also cannot comment on this issue due to a confidentiality agreement we have with the party in the second point. Also, we here at Misnomer think that daily earthquakes actually shake up our lives for the better by adding that spark of excitement you get whenever you have to run for cover.
Hopefully this clears up the accusations that have been swirling around the Madison Misnomer recently. Obviously, fact-based journalism still has a place in UW-Madison and the use of baseless rumors will not bring us down. For any more inquiries on the matter please contact our sponsor at the address below.
The Embassy of The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
601 New Hampshire Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20037