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Mary Magdalene Enjoys Single Judgment-Free Weekend

Easter is a celebration of when Christians believe Jesus of Nazareth rose from the dead after three days in a tomb. Everyone has heard the stories of the Apostles and the Romans, or of Jesus taking a nap. However, an often overlooked aspect of the Easter story is Mary Magdalene having the first last and only girls' weekend in her life.

That’s right, Mary Magdalene, Jesus’ confidente, friend, and possibly wife, was only given one weekend total to be her slutty, slutty self without the self-appointed son of God giving his patented “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” look everytime she wanted to smoke opium with the legionnaires. According to ancient texts derived from the Dead Sea Scrolls and the gospels of one of the Apostles we don’t care about, she made the most of her rare time off.

Reportedly, Mary gathered up four of her best friends, referred to in sources as כלבה גרועה מבית לחם or “bad bitches of Bethlehem” and drank Jerusalem out of its stocks of wine and mead. The sources then record a diverse itinerary, from fist fighting with Judas to snorting Hashash in the gutters with tax collectors. An often unmentioned miracle of the weekend was Mary somehow reaching the top of Solomon's temple so that she could flash the statue of Caesar and call the Romans “little-dicked weenies.”

It seems Mary’s joy ride ended in Lazarus’ Last Call bar and grill, where she was found conversing with traveling merchants about how “her name is the same as her boyfriend's mom. Does he think that's weird? Or is he into that?” Mary then traveled off to Calvary hill to find a quiet place to sleep off a hangover and throw up, and the rest is history.

So this Easter weekend, put the “bad” in Good Friday, and live it up in honor of the only woman in Judea willing to tell Jesus “no” when he wanted someone to touch his feet.


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