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NBC Announces New Show: Chicago Postal

The city of Chicago is a dead horse rearing to be kicked yet again, as NBC prepares to release its latest installment in the CSOU, or Chicago Soap Opera Universe. This installment will focus on the harrowing and sexy lives of the windy city’s shining stars of public service: The Post Office.

NBC gave an advance screening of the pilot episode, named “Neither Rain nor Pain,” to members of the American Postal Union as a treat for being the basis of the characters in the show. Union members describe the viewing as “insulting and appropriative.”

Darryl Hernon, a 54 year old member of the force, states, “Look, I get that you gotta spice things up for TV. Clearly they can’t have me an’ Frankie over there chowin’ down on some Polish links in between stops. But I can promise you I ain’t ever talked a man off a ledge while deliverin’ mail. That aint my job okay? If he falls that’s just one less fuckin’ stop for me. And let me tell you if these shorts were getting me as much tail as they did that jackass on the screen, ain’t nobody gettin’ their mail on time.”

Despite the cold appraisal from actual postal workers, middle-class Americans have been raving about the upcoming show, with the online trailer receiving 250,000 views within the first two days and a 4.2 stars rating.

When asked to comment on the divide amongst fans over the show and the criticism of inaccuracies by actual postal workers, chairman of content distribution for NBC, Matt Bond, replied with the following email:

-Hi Misnomer,

I’m gonna level with you, media team to media team. I have no problem with the controversy. That shit’s great for ratings. We spin this as some bullshit “the left wants to cancel our hardworking postal workers” and suddenly every alcoholic asshole with a pickup truck who has never even heard of NBC will be tuning in to see our show. As for the postal workers? Fuck ‘em. Americans don’t want an accurate portrayal of our civil servants. They wanna see hot people in tight blue shorts perform soft-core Mormon porn so they can forget about their hellish lives for 45 minutes while we brainwash them with toothpaste commercials. And giving them what they want gives me a lot of money. So I will make as many fucking Chicago whatever shows as I can until we can legally trademark the town. And there's jack shit you mindless consumers can do to stop me.

Lick my taint and god bless the postal service.

Matt Bond


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