Well, Badgers...you didn’t ask for it, and you won’t ever need it, but here it is! This is the definitive list of the worst accents to have to listen to when some white guy in a backwards baseball cap condescends to you for fifteen minutes about the “proper” way to dress.
What it sounds like: Well, actuellement, mademoiselle, ze wage gap ees a pervasive myth, a création of ze fake feminists et ze ‘arebraned, gullible females . Eef ze women choose to be ze school teachers and ze nurses, and not ze businessmen and ze doctors, ‘ow ees zat ze fault of ze men?
Why it sucks: Look...you’re French. You’re already the most condescending people on the planet, with your baguettes and your snails and your excessive commitment to equality and democracy to the point of violence. Why don’t you go set some cars on fire and leave the rest of us alone, Frenchie?
American - New England
What it sounds like: What ya gotta undahstand is that Paul Lepage was a-gonna bring the loggahs back and the papah mills back and the money back, ayuh. And if ya undahstood economics, ya’d see why that’s a necessaruh thing for these-here folks, ayuh.
Why it sucks: I refuse to be condescended to by anyone from a state with more cows than people.
What it sounds like: Leesten, comrade. In Russia, all people are equal. Ve do not have what tze capitalist pigs call sexism. If Glorious Leader Putin does not see fit to shower vomen vith oil money and backdoor government power, is not for us to complain. Although I hear Siberia is lovely tzees time of year.
Why it sucks: Dirty reds. Eat shit, you commie bastards.
What it sounds like: Bloody ‘ell, mate. Cain’t them birds tell that tartin’ ‘emselves up jus’ makes ‘em look desperate, an’ it ain’t no way to cetch an eye? We jus’ want a bird what’ll bring us mash an’ a pint while we’re watchin’ the match and make a nice pud once or twice a year, eh, mate?
Why it sucks: Don’t lie to us, Britain. We know more of you talk like this than like Downton Abbey. We know you can’t understand Shakespeare any better than we can. “More sophisticated,” my ass. Oh, what’s that? You can’t hear me over the sound of Brexit destroying your economy from the inside out? And whose fault is that, Britain, huh? Huh? That’s what I thought. Get stuffed.
What it sounds like: Oi, missy, whatcha cryin’ for? If ya can’t let nobody take the piss outta ya, whatcha doin’ out a’ de house? No wonder ya’ve been housewives fer dhree ‘undred years, bloody ‘ell.
Why it sucks: Look, if we’re not going to let the Brits condescend to us, how do you think we feel about the Irish? You’re like Scotland, but without the golf, the plaid, and the theatrical legacy of witchcraft, bloodshed, and medical loopholes. What do you think of when you think of Ireland? Shamrocks? Guess what: Those grow in America, too. What’s special about you, Ireland? James Joyce? Come On Eileen? Is that all you’ve got? Really?
What it sounds like: *garbled shouting about freedom and whiskey* *bagpipes*
Why it sucks: The purpose of language is communication. The only things you can communicate with a Scot are rage and lazy Mel Gibson jokes.
What it sounds like: Well, now y’all know that I love you womenfolk as much as Jesus loves a church potluck, but there are just some things I don’ think y’all understand abou’ football. It’s a man’s game, like tractor racin’ or beer drinkin’ or muddin’. So whyn’t ya sit right here by me, li’l miss, an’ Ah’ll tell ya all abou’ them big men throwin’ their ball an’ whatnot.
Why it sucks: God didn’t actually tell you you’re better than the rest of us, Beauregard. Or Duke. Or Monty. Get some real names, tear down the Confederate flag, and then we’ll talk. Maybe. Put some sleeves on.
What it sounds like: Ach! Vomen! Vaht you need to undershtand ist ze importance of ze logic in ze argument. Emotion ist no way to convince anyone of anything. Don’t you agree, Hans? You cannot tell me zat shtatement ist not true; you just know it is in your bones, nein?
Why it sucks: Look, I’m sure there’s some monster German noun out there for the person who proves how stupid they are by trying to sound smart. Look it up. Use it on the next dumkopf who tries to tell you that anyone from the land that invented sauerkraut and Oktoberfest knows what they’re talking about.
American - Midwest
What it sounds like: The thing about shovelling this-here snow that women don’t seem to understand is that you gotta really put yer back into it, eh? You gotta look at all that snow in that driveway over dere and say, “Gosh, that snow might seem real friendly, but it’s gotta go, ya know?” Then ya gotta go over dere and move it, yahderehey.
Why it sucks: Do you know why you talk like that? It’s because you’re descended from Scandinavians. And what did Scandinavians invent? Surstromming and white people. Call me when your people have contributed to society.