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Op-Ed: Leave Timmy In The Well, He’s Falling in For Attention Now


It can be hard to be a young child in this world. Bullying, the influence of social media, and the rules of your parents can all be stressors on youth, and it can also be incredibly isolating. However, town seven-year-old Timmy Westing seems to be taking his youth rebellion to heights that are unprecedented, and, you know what, I’m just gonna say it, because no one else will; the next time he falls down that goddamn well, I say we keep him in there.


Cmon, we all want to do it. Like, I know that the kids at school call Timmy “lardlips” for some godforsaken reason, but this is just about the 13th time that kids chucked himself down there. The first time was a town emergency, by the fifth it became cute, but now we all know that he just wants to be seen and recognized. He doesn’t even cry in there anymore, he just sits on his phone playing Clash of Clans until the fire department comes and gets him.


Listen, when I was a kid, if you wanted someone to pay attention to your problems, you either fist-fought over a laffy taffy in the teacher parking lot or spray painted penises on your step mom’s Toyota Tacoma. The town well? That’s a sacred place. That’s where teenagers go to give and receive mediocre handjobs, and where Sneaky Frank throws doughnuts to pigeons. And to have Timmy go and get everyone up in arms, all because he likes beyblade? It seems excessive, that’s all I’m saying.


Look, I know that the kid might have some problems if we keep him in there, but he has enough rainwater to last at least a week, if not more. Just keep him down there, make him want it, and then he can see that his problems aren’t all that bad.

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