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Op-Ed: “Monster Mash” Is Not About an Orgy, Guys



Alright degenerates, listen up. If any of you sick individuals have been on the internet lately (and I know you have), you might have heard a theory making its rounds. The theory is this: “Monster Mash”, the classic Halloween song from 1962 written by Bobby Pickett, is actually about an orgy, not a bunch of funky monster dudes jamming out in some mad scientist’s sick-ass lab. I emphatically reject this slimy, slanderous, slutty interpretation.


The salacious minds who concocted this half-baked idea and decided to spew it onto the internet might tell you about some lyrics that they’ve grievously misinterpreted. “He did the monster mash (the monster mash), it was a graveyard smash,” goes the song. But are we really supposed to believe that just because he says “smash” that this song is going to delve into a fucked-up monster orgy? Need I remind you, “Monster Mash” was released 60 years ago, and back then they did not say smash to refer to sex, you perverts. They called it the horizontal hokey-pokey. Another line says “The ghouls all came from their humble abodes to get a jolt from my electrodes.” This line is easy to misinterpret, and is the one case where I do not fault one for hearing it in a dirty way. However, this is clearly just about the ghouls in question getting shocked (much like Frankenstein would) to liven themselves up, so to speak. Think about it: they’re about to do the Monster Mash, which is no small feat (it’s a graveyard smash).


Beyond these easily debunked misreadings, if one actually reads the song lyrics, there are several references to a band, a party, and live music and dancing. “The party had just begun.” It doesn’t get clearer than that! How about the line “Now everything’s cool, Drac’s a part of the band”? I ask you this, dear reader—who brings a band to an orgy? Nobody, that’s who. Finally, the titular lyrics: “They did the monster mash.” What exactly is a “monster mash”? Clearly, it is a reference to the popular mashed potato dance, which was at its most popular in what year? 1962, the same year this song came out! Take that, freaks!


To conclude, “Monster Mash” is pure wholesome fun, and it is also the only Halloween song anyone knows, so please, for the love of God, stop trying to ruin it on the internet.


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