MADISON, WI - Caroline Banks, a freshman at UW-Madison, was murdered at the South Beltline Culvers. Caroline had just recently moved to Wisconsin from California, and posted on her instagram the day before that Madison has been “a crazy shift in viewpoint, it’s so quaint!”.
According to Banks' roommate Sammy Smith, the pair had decided to try Culvers after hearing the Wisconsin natives talk about how Culvers uses real Wisconsin cheese from hard working family farms. Once they had arrived at the Culver's the employee addressed the pair,
“Hi welcome to culvers, what can we make fresh for you today?”
With which Caroline responded with her last ever words, “yah um, can I get some chocolate ice cream?”
The Culver's employee then proceeded to release a panicked high pitch scream, at which point Craig Culver, the legendary founder of Culvers, jumped up from behind the counter and lunged at Banks, throwing her to the ground. Mr. Culvers then began to strangle Banks.
“IT’S CUSTARD, CUSTARD CONTAINS EGG YOLKS WHILE ICE CREAM DOES NOT!” Mr. Culvers screamed as Banks struggled for life on the pristinely clean Culvers floors.
As the life left Banks' eyes Mr. Culvers leaned down to her ear and allegedly whispered, “welcome to delicious.”
Bystanders did what they do best: stood and watched. Witness statements seem to mirror public opinion.
“She got what was coming for her. I mean, the added yolks really does change the whole taste and texture. Ice cream and custard are two completely different frozen desserts. Plus Culver's Custard is made fresh in house, just like how the beef is never frozen!”
Because Wisconsin is the home of Culvers and because the jury declared that the murder was justified and Culvers will face no consequences. In compensation for the trauma caused by witnessing her roommate’s murder Sammy Smith was given one scoopy token so she can come back to Culvers and get a free scoop of ice cream, I mean custard. Please don’t kill me.
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