MADISON: Local resident Emily Timidson revealed in an interview that, despite living by herself in her apartment, she still closes the bathroom door to give herself privacy.
"I don't know, what if there's someone else in the apartment?" Ms. Timidson mused, as she donned dark sunglasses and peered around the wall to check if she had triple-bolted the door. "The bathroom is a safe space."
We asked her if her concern for her personal privacy might border on paranoia. Ms. Timidson replied that she was not in fact paranoid, but we should wait a moment as she had to check that the blinds were closed behind the already drawn curtains. We further inquired if her concerns expanded to the digital world. "I take online privacy very seriously. I have a piece of tape over the webcam, and I even removed the microphone from my computer," she explained, pointing to some pliers and a craft knife.
Asked if this emphasis on privacy impacted her social life, Ms. Timidson pointed out that she had plenty of friends: Daisy, Jingles, Fluffy, Pooh, and Mr. Cuddlefeathers. “I love sleeping with all my friends!” she ecstatically giggled.
Curious if Ms. Timidson was an outlier, we interviewed player Chad Bourne, who also lives by himself. Mr. Bourne told us, "I sometimes walk around with my dick out, you know? Even the foreskin needs some vitamin D." Mr. Bourne hastily warned us, “oh here’s a big one,” before unleashing an explosive belch, breaking our microphone.
At press time, we confirmed that Ms. Timidson sneezes and then says, "Excuse me" with no other human in earshot. The Madison Misnomer Staff decided not to impinge on her sense of security by suggesting she watch the film Psycho.