People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, has released new moral guidelines on how to be anti-speciesist in your daily life, including in the bedroom.
The guidelines include the annual updates on how to properly talk over minorities to bring up your cat, as well as ways to make your poor friends feel like shit for not being able to afford organic quinoa. But this year the annual report also included a call for a moratorium on drunk college kids' favorite after-party activity, doggy style.
“It’s just really disrespectful to our canine siblings to assume that grunting for 40 seconds and then Ubering home can come anywhere close to the ascendant passion a dog feels when they vigorously hump anything stationary and vertical,” stated PETA president Ingrid Newkirk in a recent interview.
This stance has been met with pushback, as lazy lovers world wide claim their actions are to honor the carnal skills of their canine companions, as opposed to Newkirk’s accusation of insensitivity.
“It’s just a good position ya know,” said 22 year old Dennis Bradly. “It’s me and Dave’s favorite way to do it, ‘cause then we can both play MADDEN while we bone. We never meant to hurt our dogs.”
When asked if she felt there were any more pressing issues facing the world today that PETA’s resources could be better spent on, Ms. Newkirk replied, “What other issues?”