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PetSmart to remove red flashing lights, sirens from grooming techniques

When bringing his dog to petsmart for a grooming, owner Michael Stevens believed to be getting his dog Muffin the regular shampoo, teeth cleaning, and clippings. When the petsmart employee returned with another dog and a consolation goldfish, Mr. Stevens feared the worst had happened.

“It was all very intense and thorough,” said Stevens. “There were crazy lights everywhere and the guy with the meat cleaver really looked like he knew what he was doing! Everything seemed to be going fine but when I went to get my dog back they said he ran away.”

When a Petsmart whistleblower confessed that they were in a contract with the Elmer’s glue company, Petsmart released the following statement.

“It is very normal to send every 5th pet to a farm up state, said the representative. “It is important to keep in mind that we only get glue from the sickest, weakest animals we can find.”

The whistleblower was the first to come forward on the issue after many other people within the company were reportedly bribed with chew toys, leashes, and other pet related products.

“I was handed a large bag of puppy chow and told to keep everything hush hush,” the whistleblower disclosed in a statement Wednesday, “but all the puppy chow in the world wouldn’t make up for what I did to those puppies.”

Petsmart, in contrast, has embraced the allegations with open arms, introducing a new ad campaign that emphasizes how 4 out of 5 dogs still come away from the process completely healthy. The company has yet to promise to stop using ‘pet donations’ as glue supplies but vows to remove any execution warnings the pet might see before the “alternative grooming process” begins.

For owners, the promise is a step in the right direction.

“At least now I know that if Fido gets the axe, he won’t have any anxiety about it beforehand,” said one local pet owner “That's all you can really ask for.”


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