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Professors Tolerable Now that Students Control Volume Level




2020 has brought challenges with it. More challenges than most people can bear. However, some students have found a silver lining to help them through these trying times.


Junior Abigail Williams has discovered that for the first time in her educational career, the sound of her teachers’ voices are no longer giving her migraines. The secret, she now controls the volume at which her professors speak at.


“Yeah, it was crazy, my english lecturer was being super fucking loud like usual, and I just instinctively reached for the volume button. Before I knew it, his voice wasn’t echoing in my head as he screamed about numbers and some ancient greek guys' triangle dick,” stated Williams. “It was groundbreaking! I sat through an entire lecture and only cried half as much, my ears are not bleeding anymore! I hope we never go back to in-person.”


Ms. Williams isn’t the only student who has found this new found say in their existence to be beneficial, sophomore Grant Unaka has reported a 43% increase in his software engineering discussion grades, now that he can bass boost his discussion partners and hear them for the first time in his life.


“It was eye opening to actually hear these people,” said Grant. “It turns out, some of them like, actually know what's going on in class. Those team projects are a breeze now.”


When asked to comment about the possibility of losing this privilege when life returns and the university resumes in person classes, Mr. Unaka simply replied


“Fuck.”



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