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Report: Fuck These Old People Trying to Learn



Upon walking into his first class this semester, junior Eric Carson was immediately repulsed.


“Like I knew it was gonna be an old class, Anthropology 100, that’s like digging up old stuff, right? But I didn’t think it was gonna be LITERALLY old. Half the class has one foot in the grave. You can smell it when you walk in,” Eric said.


Eric’s class is full of an increasing problem across campus: senior auditors. Auditors keep arriving on campus to take college courses as a way to stimulate their decaying brains and fill their very empty days with a bit of meaning.


Some topics that seem to be of great interest to these auditors are history classes, art history classes, geography classes and anthropology classes. The university recommends that in order to avoid these auditors, students should try taking a real class.


As the semester comes to an end, Eric’s opinion of these auditors has not changed.

“It’s like I get that they want to better themselves, but my god, everything is a question. Weren’t you there when all this historic shit happened? Why are you asking about it?” Eric said of the auditors in his class. This is a common sentiment among students. Fellow student Katie Harris agrees; the auditors are not welcome.


“If you wanted to go to college you should’ve gone when you were 19 just like we are now. It’s really not that hard to figure out. Fuck these old people for trying to learn,” Katie said.

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