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Ron Johnson's Skincare Routine: How to Look Decades Older Than You Are

It’s the look that has been headlining the fashion section on C-span and controlling the poli-sci gossip across the country. Just how does Senator Ron Johnson get that perfectly gray-skinned, freshly-risen corpse look? Through serious investigative reporting, and a blowjob we will never forget, we finally convinced the senator to give us a quick look into his daily skincare routine. The secrets he shared may come to shock you.

6:15- Senator John wakes up bright and early in order to make sure to get a full 45 minutes of staring in his bathroom mirror haunted by his past deeds before his wife wakes up.

7:10- He has a breakfast of a single wet egg that must be choked down since he had his teeth removed to better suck off oil lobbyists.

8:10- Once he has successfully held his meal down, he leaves for work. Before reaching the capital building for a long day at work, Senator Johnson admits he allows himself the small pleasure of stopping by a Planned Parenthood and screaming slurs at women getting mammograms.

9:20- Once at work, the senator keeps his skin moisturized by being spat in the face by every lobbyist willing to give him $10 towards his reelection campaign.

15:30- Senator Johnson takes his hour-and-a-half lunch break outside. Instead of wasting money on a meal, he instead pays a staffer to allow him to beat them for the allotted time. Reportedly this helps Senator Johnson get his exercise in on a busy schedule, and reminds him of his younger days assaulting his constituents.

19:30- The senator leaves his office, and spends 20 minutes in his car huffing paint thinner to dull the shame of selling out his country 10 hours a day.

20:49- For an hour before bed, Senator Johnson soaks in the blood of a freshly slaughtered lamb. While he admits it is a poor substitute for the child’s blood he enjoyed in the 2000’s, he says the woke mob has made the world too politically correct for him to enjoy his night time routine in peace.

22:00- Once tucked into bed, Senator Johnson furiously masturbates to a photo of the late David Koch, as his wife will no longer tolerate him in the same room as her. Once his body is spent he drifts into a nightmare-fueled slumber until it's time to start the next day.

So whether you are trying to look more like your fake ID, want more respect at work, or are simply trying to reduce the time spent suffering in this mortal coil–now you too can use Senator Johnson's method to age decades every day for the oh-so-low price of your self respect.


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