Ever since the Industrial Revolution, two things have been constant in society: rampant exploitation and the insatiable lust for oil. For most of the 21st century, both of these necessities have been ceaselessly provided to the American people by the brave, bloodthirsty sociopaths in the US Military. While most of these men and women are funneled into service by military family history, crushing poverty, and decades of imperial propaganda, a small subset of troops are brought in through university ROTC programs.
“You know, ROTC has been super empowering for me,” said Connor Douglass, a freshman ROTC cadet. “I came into college afraid of anyone who looked or acted differently than me, and now I get to inflict that fear onto others instead!”
However, despite feeling empowered by the ability to inflict state-backed violence, morale in the ROTC here at UW-Madison has been low. Thanks to the withdrawal from Afghanistan and a 90% virginity rate, ROTC students are often left feeling unappreciated and unloved.
For junior ROTC student Kenneth Bradley (who asked to be referred to as “Maverick Steele”), this problem had an easy solution.
“As a trained operator, I have been conditioned to find and detect threats to you civilians,” Bradley reported to us. “In a recent recon operation, I was able to find a potential threat right under our noses, right at the local Wingstop.”
Bradley alleges that the grease in the deep fryer—which he identified as “sweet, sweet Saudi Arabian crude oil”—was being trafficked to “antifa terrorists” that he’d seen in his anthropology class. As a result, action needed to be taken to secure this resource for “real Americans” instead of “those stupid art communists who won’t sleep with me.”
On the morning of October 15th, Bradley planned a raid to seize the resources from the Regent Street Wingstop.
“I had a team of 15 future Green Beret operators ready to die for this mission. We did an optical assessment of the exterior of the building, then attempted to make physical entry,” said Bradley.
Although ROTC does not allow cadets to carry firearms, Bradley insists they were armed for the job.
“After years of Krav Maga training, we were ready. We didn’t even need guns,” said Bradley.
However, Bradley reports that after entering through the front door and shouting, “SURRENDER YOUR OIL, WE REPRESENT THE US MILITARY,” the mission went south.
“We were forced to make a tactical withdrawal after the manager called us ‘a bunch of fuckin assholes’ and threatened us with a bat, plus Jeff slipped and scraped his knee, and we never leave a man behind,” Bradley said.
Although operation Wingstop Freedom was a failure, Bradley insists that his team will be more prepared when duty calls again.
“We are future US military officers, and we will answer the call of duty wherever it calls us,” said Bradley. “Unless it calls us back to Wingstop, because the manager says we can’t come back or he’ll call the cops.”