Second Grade Class Declares Sun’s Explosion in 5 Billion Years a National Emergency


A second grade class is warning our nation about an impending global catastrophe: the sun’s explosion in five billion years. Micheal, dubbed “Michael Michael Motorcycle” by his classmates, was the whistleblower.


“I was watching this document…docu… um, movie with my dad and it was about space and stuff, and this guy with white hair said that the… the sun was going to explode in five billion years! My dad was calm, and it was like I was the only one who noticed!” Mr. Motorcycle said.


“I care about this issue because I want my great great grandson to not have to worry about the sun exploding,” Sneezy Suzie, now just Suzie, told our reporters.


The children organized a school-wide benefit for the cause consisting of a recorder concert, lemonade and cookie sales, and an impassioned speech by some of the students, with a hope to inspire the government to do something about the emergency.


“Our government is hemorrhaging our taxpayer money on defense in all the wrong places. When the sun comes to kill us all and the day of reckoning is upon us, what will we do? Call the feds to go shoot at the sun? Does anyone else realize the utter insanity of this all?” Michael said as he pleaded to everyone who was willing to listen in the elementary school gym.

Simon, a quieter 8 year old who used to be a devout supporter of this cause, stopped participating after his balloon came detached from the string and flew to the sky, never to be seen again, forcing him into a spiral of crippling nihilism.


“Yes, the sun will explode, bringing on a cathartic and inevitable end, as it was designed to do in the beginning. Why must we fear the darkness? Are we so selfish that we must bastardize the transient nature of human life in hopes of living forever?” Simon said. “We must embrace the absurdity and brevity of this life, instead of the false promise of eternal existence. How can you enjoy these fleeting moments in search of a meaning that you have any control over? By doing so, you are already dead.”


The impromptu debate between the students went on for five whole minutes, until recess was called and they hashed their anger out on the four square court.


“I urge our lawmakers to do something about this. We seem to be the only ones who are deeply terrified about the future of our world and the impending destruction of everything that we’ve ever cared about,” Michael said. “Maybe it won’t impact our children, or our children’s children, but it will most certainly impact our children’s children’s children. Have some humanity. God save us all.”