Beloved forestry icon Smokey the Bear has been arrested in Columbus, Ohio today after an assault charge that has been described as “one of the most haunting hate crimes I have ever seen” by Holocaust survivor Ellie Wiesel.
Smokey says he was driven to his actions because “people just don’t give a fuck about forest fires anymore.” He claimed it was his national duty to stop any threats to the nation's wildlife, including the Paulson family, who were celebrating their first child.
“I, I don’t know what happened. We were about to cut the cake to see what gender our baby would be when, out of nowhere, this giant bear in khakis just starts running, beating people with a shovel,” reported Mrs. Paulson when asked about the event.
“He kept screaming about ‘avenging California’ and calling everybody firebugs. I don’t think that is a slur, but the way he said it just made my stomach turn,” recalled Mr. Paulson.
Luckily for the Paulson family and guests, Smokey the Bear had recently turned to a life of heavy drinking and Kentucky Fried ChickenTM, so his athleticism has taken a downturn. Smokey was only able to maintain his rampage for 15 minutes before vomiting and collapsing on top of Nana Paulson, the 96 year old matriarch of the Paulson family.
“Yeah it's a real shame to see another child star go down this route” Said Eric Ompofo, a first responder at the call. “Once they get addicted to high fructose corn syrup though, there is just no coming back from that.
“All the love in his heart has been replaced by hatred and cholesterol. Curse you Colonel Sanders, Curse you.”