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Sonic the Hedgehog Fan Incredibly Disappointed by “Blue Lives Matter” Rally



It seems as if police brutality and the ever-growing “blue lives matter” movement are on everyone’s mind. Everyone, that is, except for UW-Madison junior Franklin Tweedle, a die-hard fan of the 1990’s video game star and sex symbol Sonic the Hedgehog. “When I saw the sign for a 'blue lives matter' rally at the capital I just thought it’d be a support group… us Hogheads are truly among the most shunned groups in the nation.”


Although Franklin went to “Proud Boys for Blue Lives” thinking he could get some much-needed support from like-minded pseudo-furries, he found an entirely different mostly-online subculture. “At first I thought the ‘don’t tread on me’ flags were just super niche fan art and the tiki torches were for ambiance, but I kinda started to get suspicious when I started hearing all the Trump stuff… Sonic says ‘don’t do racism’ and I live by that.”


After a half-hour of wandering around the ten overweight middle-aged men and sole 20 something carrying a briefcase, Franklin had had enough. “When I finally got over the nerves and started actually talking about the greatest lover and video game hero of all time, I knew I was in the wrong place because one of those guys pointed an AR at me and called me a ‘cultural Marxist snowflake cuck’… so I went home.”


Despite the mixup, racist chants, and heavily armed men, Franklin says he’s happy with how his trip turned out, adding that he, “no longer feels bad about his Sonic obsession with these sad, sad bootlickers parading around town,” and that, “those stupid punisher skulls and thin blue line flags make my erotic Sonic-Eggman fan art seem downright normal!”


With the creeping descent into fascism, ongoing police brutality, and general clusterfuck of this new decade, Franklin has found a silver lining in being able to feel a new sense of belonging: “making fun of these right-wing dumb stupid piss babies alongside the rest of society.”



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