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Student Gets Beat Up for Starting a Flash Mob in Gordon’s

It has been well documented that Gordon’s is a constant hellscape, from the decaying food on the dish return belt to the bloodshed of trying to find a place to put your ass. But there has always been one saving grace: there has never been any singing and no dancing. 

This all changed last Friday when a small group of students decided to start a flash mob, forcing  everyone in the 2-hour long stir fry line to start doing a synchronized dance to crazy frogs “A Ring Ding Ding Ding.” Chaos erupted in the food lines, with the screams of disturbed citizens being heard all the way from the 4th floor of the humanities building. 

Upon noticing the situation, local self-proclaimed hero Brady Chandler decided to do something about the unsolicited dancing and singing. Dashing from Que Rico, Chandler tackled the lead dancer, Jackery Shmacry, who was in the middle of a pirouette, with Chandler proceeding to pummel Jackery in the face until Crazy Frog concluded. Out of fear for their lives, the rest of the flash mob exited Gordon’s, still attempting the synchronized dance as they went. Brady then teabagged Jackery and proceeded to request 12 tacos for his hard work as Jackery writhed in pain on the floor.

Gordon’s employees were not enthused about the blood left behind from the scene, but due to the long lines, the blood was left uncleaned for 2 hours, attracting the local rat population. 

After being spotted at a party and being offered Chandler’s contact information, Jackery told our reporters that  “I just wanted to bring a little joy to the people of Gordon’s. If a broken nose is what I get for trying to make the world a better place…well shit, now please put that knife away.”

However, Brady Chandler still believes what he did was right, and that he now deserves a full ride scholarship for his actions. “If getting hit by a bus won’t get me out of student debt, saving the day should.” Brady then proceeded to bend over and kiss his own ass. 


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