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Student Sues Roommate Over Shitty Spotify Playlist

A UW-Madison freshman, Jared Newo, was referred to the Dean of Students office on Friday after his roommate, John Penguinherder, was nastily awoken from his Chadbourne hall dorm room at the unusually late hour of 9:14pm by his roommate's music.

Jared had been playing soft music to study, but due to a Spotify bug, accidentally ended up playing Weezer's cover of "Africa" at 15% volume. According to the Dean of Students, John said there was a rule preventing the playing of any music with words after 8pm without headphones. Jared, being referred, said he was never aware of such a rule and argued that John had been awake until 2am the previous night. John countered by saying "I have a 7:45 class tomorrow, you do the math!"

The Dean quickly concluded that if you accommodate 1 hour for showering, 1 hour for masturbation, 8 hours for sleep, 1 hour for food and toothbrushing, and 45 minutes for walking to class, 8pm is a perfectly reasonable bedtime and none of those time frames are in any way negotiable.

Jared later mentioned that John had had an 11am class the day he went to bed at 2am, and the Dean' algorithm would have led him to go to bed at 11:15pm. However, upon further reflection, it was revealed that John did not have Jared's class schedule memorized. By Institute Law 12, this was grounds for disciplinary action to not memorize your roommate's class, club, sleeping, and most importantly "me-time" schedule by January 31st. Jared has been given a one-semester suspension, to be served Fall 2019, and he is appealing.

With Jared still on campus for now, he had a hearing at 6am today. John reportedly played Toto's cover of a Weezer song all night until 5am. At the appeal meeting, Jared mentioned that John was worse than him at playing music. The Dean, however, said that 6am is early enough to justify staying up all night and will likely let John off unscathed, and in fact reward him with a $666 iTunes gift card.


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