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Study: Americans more likely to accept immigrants whose holidays involve alcohol

It’s well-known that the Irish were not accepted as “American” when they first arrived on United States shores in large numbers in the 1840s. Now, almost 200 years later, cities across this country brace themselves for an annual onslaught of drunken, definitely Irish idiots to sweep through bars like a hurricane, leaving behind cheap, ugly sunglasses and green-tinged vomit. So, what changed?


A recent survey based on 250 years of public opinion polls found that American citizens’ opinions about the Irish began improving dramatically once they realized St. Patrick’s Day was the perfect excuse to get blackout drunk in the middle of March for no reason. It was no longer “indigency”, “a waste of money”, or “disgraceful behavior unbefitting of a human”. It was tolerant and accepting; it was making the new neighbors feel welcome by taking a shit on their petunias at 2AM on a Wednesday morning!

By contrast, Italian immigrants took more than four decades to be fully accepted by American society, since they only get “classy drunk” on red wine and vodka sauce

Doug Freedman, of St. Louis, MO, who reviewed the polls, said these findings may hold lessons for the immigrants and minorities of our day

“The Latino community is already really close,” he said. “Cinco de Mayo is the perfect opportunity to capitalize on this phenomenon and drink the white people under the table and into acceptance. The LGBT community, too, has a good chance, if they’ll just do more shots during Pride."

Freedman sees problems, though, for minorities who traditionally eschew alcohol.

“Oh, the Muslims are totally screwed,” said Freedman. “Unless they become associated with weed or something real quick, this whole “Allah forbids alcohol” thing is really going to bite them, at least on the tolerance front. If they want to continue to make responsible choices, well…that’s their decision, I guess. I’m just saying – Americans don’t go for responsible choices.”


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