Last week Badger quarterback Alex Hornibrook announced he is looking to transfer to a different university for his senior year. In a bombshell report that came out Tuesday morning, statisticians at the University of Wisconsin, Madison crunched the numbers and came to a sobering conclusion: Hornibrook’s replacement is probably going to have a much less funny last name.
“Hornibrook was really a once in a generation kind of funny name,” said lead researcher Harvey Mulligan. “First, you have ‘horni’. Very few names ever get that funny, and this one is that funny out of the gate. Then you have ‘brook’, a noun that the word ‘horni’ now seems to be describing. It paints a silly picture of a river that wants to fuck, and, I hate to say it, but it’s unrealistic to expect to ever strike that kind of gold again.”
Mulligan hypothesized that 90% of last names, such as Smith, Black, and Thompson are immediately disqualified from being classified as funny. The remaining 10% are able to be funny if you say them in a goofy voice, but that doesn’t make the names themselves funny. Of those 10%, only a slim 2.2% are objectively funny no matter how they are said.
“He may not have been good to us as a football player,” said Mulligan. “But every single time someone said his name, it felt like we were getting away with saying something naughty. I will cherish that forever.”