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Sunburnt Tourist No Longer Feels White Guilt

We at the Misnomer hope you had a relaxing spring break, free from responsibilities like final projects and presentations that were due the Monday you returned.

As DC resident Kyle K. Kleighton has found however, we are still responsible for keeping our bodies safe from the sun. After a relaxing break in Cabo, paid for with daddy’s credit card as a reward for getting a C in Business 100, he found himself completely red — like head-to-toe red. But this kick-started a journey in self-discovery for Mr. Kleighton. He watched the film “Turning Red” with some friends, who reported that he loudly squealed “she’s literally me!” every fucking time Meilin turned into her red panda.

Kleighton was once a strapping young white lad, and he believed that if he put his mind to it, he could be anyone. But one day, after handing his coconut margarita to a Mexican busboy, he looked at his hands (the front) and made the discovery: he was no longer that man. As his former identity slipped away, Kleighton instinctively yelled, “Adios, amigo!” It was at this point that he knew his life would forever change.

Mr. Kleighton used to feel bad when talking about the police with his many, many black friends. He would squirm in his chair during the indigenous land acknowledgement speech, and he would comfort and console his Emirati classmates, “I’m so sorry we bombed your country.” But after his life (and skin) changing experience, he no longer feels those feelings known as white guilt. How could he, after all – he is no longer white.

“Now, people look at me funny when I walk down the street,” a dejected Kleighton mused. “They say things like ‘put some sunscreen on, dude,’ they sneer at the color of my skin, and they try to empathize like, ‘Oh my god, my husband got sunburnt, want to hear what we did?’ Like, just let me live! I’m comfortable in my own skin. I am proudly sunburnt now." He now plans on visiting India to find himself.


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