Long-awaited election results revealed this morning that Former Vice President Joe Biden would take the seat of the Presidency from incumbent President Donald Trump. President Elect Biden took to the stage earlier today to address the public after his election win.
Biden’s victory speech was short and sweet. He humbly accepted his win, thanked the American people, and announced his decision to revoke all progressive promises made within his campaign.
Reporters began shouting at President Elect Biden, naming multiple policies Biden pledged to enact as Commander in Chief, including tax increases for the wealthy, implementing mask mandates nationwide, and investing in clean energy.
Biden simply replied, “Takesy Backsies,” then spat on a nearby Elizabeth Warren, before dismounting the stage and embracing Jo Jorgensen in a hug.
When asked for a comment, Vice President Elect Kamala Harris stated “Well, what did you expect? Free healthcare?”
The Biden administration has since released briefs which detail plans to decrease student debt relief, lower the minimum wage, and criminalize being a woman.