The release of three albums in one year has sent Swifties into a frenzied tailspin of conspiracy theories. Swift’s cryptic nature often prevents them from getting information straight from the White Horse’s mouth. But no one, even in their Wildest Dreams, can deny the incontrovertible evidence we obtained from Swift herself last week, revealing that hit song “Betty” is actually about cultural icon Betty White.
When pressed by our highly-trained media correspondent about whether her song’s crooning lyrics evoked the image of Betty White and her gorgeous smile, she said “No.”
In true Swift fashion, this revealed everything All Too Well. She basically spelled it out.
See, Swift recently released the track “No Body, No Crime” in collaboration with HAIM. There are TWO “no”s in the track title. Two (2) twos (2s) tied together with an Invisible String yields 22. And everyone, even your misogynistic boyfriend — who says “Taylor Swift only writes about her exes” even though he wasn’t complaining when he hooked up with that tramp Jennifer whose stupid little indie TikToks are only about HER former lovers — knows that Swift wrote hit single “22.” Now, take the first TWO digits from Swift’s most popular album, 1989.
GUESS what year was Betty White born in? Call It What You Want, but there’s no way it’s a coincidence.
1922!
Unfortunately for the Swetty shippers, “22” is on the same album as “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” So It Goes, guys — Shake It Off. Don’t let your Tears Ricochet off your guitar.
Nevertheless, I can’t overstate the significance of this revelation. When I deduced this in less than 13 seconds, I was simply Breathless. Swift simply remarked, “You need to calm down.”
Finally, some Closure!