Americans to the left and to the right can agree that the greatest failure of the Trump administration was not the child concentration camps, nor the continuation of endless war in the Middle East, but the fact that he didn’t have a dog. However, upper-middle-class busybodies with nothing better to worry about were able to rejoice at Joe Biden's decision to bring canines back into the White House. Finally the American people had a furry distraction to the abject cruelty of late stage capitalism in the form of Major, the Bidens’ German Shepherd. However, after one too many biting incidents, Joe faced a tough choice.
“Listen mac, when you gotta do what you gotta do, for the American people, you know it's what you gotta do,” President Biden said.
Despite having a polished social media presence and presidential demeanor, Major has proved to have a serious biting problem in his tenure as “first dog.” After the animal injured at least two staffers unprovoked, President Biden knew he had no choice but to put him out of his misery.
“When my wife Dr. Jill Biden first sat me down about Major I said, ‘C’mon man! That dog’s just barked up a few wrong trees, Jack!’ But I realized that I needed to do what a Delaware man does and take care of business.”
With tears in his eyes, the president recalled the events that followed.
“Now listen here, Jack, when I was president of Wilmington, Delaware, I had to crack a few eggs and make a few omelets. But mac, let me tell ya, that was sadder than when I was driving my long car away from the soda fountain and this guy... this guy comes up to me and says, ‘mac, you better give me that malted milk shake.’ And mac, let me tell you, I gave him that malt, but man was that a rain cloud at an Irish wedding. I’m sorry man, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Based on the president’s description, what had happened was clear: Major needed to be put down and Biden did the job. With an old double-barreled shotgun, Joe took his old pal behind the shed.
“I felt just like that guy from that book, ya know the one, mac? It was a real sad day in the White House, Jack, but I just want the American people to know I did what needed to be done. And that’s a fact, Jack.”