In a recent attempt to spiritually link with deceased former UK Prime Minister Margret Thatcher, the Misnomer had the unique opportunity to speak directly with the void. The void, which is known for its vast unyielding nothingness, opened up to our reporter on many issues including why you, specifically, haven’t called back.
“When we first met they were listening to Radiohead in their car, and I remember thinking, wow this person is really having some deep and complicated emotions right now. I thought about how much I would really like to get to know this brooding melancholic piece of young adult angst, because you know, as the embodiment of ethereal space I’m kinda into that, but I was too shy to say anything to them.”
The void would not have to wait long as mere minutes later you would call out to the void at 1:15 pm, right as you were directly over the Cracker Barrel along the I-90. At this exact moment you thought about how joyous it would be to smash your 1992 Nissan Stanza directly into the restaurant's gloriously corny old west exterior.
“I was so taken aback, I was like, omigosh they noticed me! It’s a bit weird that they brought me to a Cracker Barrel for the first date, but I was still thinking hey at least they said something.”
However, even though the void thought it went well, you were slightly frightened by this unexpected date. You felt uncomfortable with the sudden and extreme violence of this little get together, and despite the void’s other callings, you hoped that was your final date with this ethereal plane. It would be another 2 weeks before you called again.
“Yeah, I was kind of worried about them not getting back to me for a while, but boy was I shocked about the location of our surprise second date. The Grand Canyon, wow!”
It was right when you were taking the family picture right at the precipice of the canyon when you called. Just for the briefest of moments you thought about how great it would be to backflip straight off the cliff, smashing your head along the jagged rock faces, the wind in your hair and your pelvis in your chest, leaving nothing but a gooey mess of a corpse on the cold, hard, ground.
“The second date was just dreamy. Like, that’s marriage material right there.”
While getting ice cream with your family right after the date, you promised that you wouldn’t have thoughts like that again. On the car ride over you had done some research and found out that thoughts like that are fairly normal and that you shouldn’t be too worried about it. You decided that you weren’t going to go serious in this relationship, and you decided that you weren’t going to call back.
“Well, it’s been a whole two whole months since they last called and I’m really getting fed up with them! At first I was worried and now I’m just mad. What the hell! At least have a brief moment of existential peril to at least let me know you aren’t visiting anymore.”
As our spiritual connection began to weaken, we asked one last question of the void: What’s next?
“I’m not so sure I guess. With any luck the seal that keeps our two universes apart will continue to crumble, allowing for tendrils of the ethereal plane to pull all of existence into a vast unending ℸ ̣ ⍑ᒷ ⍑𝙹∷ᓭᒷ, or maybe I’ll just find a soul to inhabit at the Republican National Convention.”