After being told by white house officials that he had officially been acquitted, Donald Trump could only muster up a high-pitched, nervous response of “really?” before he quickly exited the room. Anxiously dodging eye contact and conversation, Trump finally made it to his computer. After googling the definition of the word “acquitted,” he was able to sigh in relief, knowing that acquitted did not mean removed from office.
Quickly clearing his search history, Trump made sure to talk to advisors and supporters about the news. Some expressed their happiness to hear that he was not being removed from office.
“You’ve been acquitted!” Said one of his advisors, “Luckily you’re still in office.”
“Ah, yes, that is something I was fully aware of this entire time,” replied Trump. “There was never any point where I ever thought I had actually been removed from office. What a big powerful word. Removed from office is not what acquitted means. Liberals say acquitted means that I quit, but I know it’s such a big word that means some really big things.”
That night, Trump made sure to write “acquitted” down in his journal of hard president words.