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UHS Under False Impression Students are Getting Laid

For the amount of free condoms being offered on every floor of UHS and at any org table set up in Gordon’s, an onlooker would assume that UW Madison students are constantly getting laid. Some might assume that not only is there massive amounts of sex going on but it is also safe as hell. UHS seems to think that this is the case, when in reality many young badgers find themselves spending most of their time alone in bed.

Studies done around campus show that students have become more likely to take free condoms, but mostly out of sheer despair. Researchers surveyed a range of students, and results found that 99% reported that they were getting absolutely no action. Somehow, UHS has led itself to believe the opposite, and continues to put all its hope into the sex lives of its students.

“We’re so glad the students are practicing safe sex,” said one UHS employee about the sex that probably isn’t even happening.

Most condoms found on campus end up being used as balloons, gloves, or just a symbol of hope that one day the owner will get laid. UHS plans to increase the amount of condoms shipped to them this month as students become more and more desperate.


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