Vatican Changes “Good Friday” to “Decent Friday” to Lower Expectations

The Vatican announced last week that “Good Friday,” the Friday before Easter Sunday, will from now on be called “Decent Friday” to lower people’s expectations for what the day holds.

“We don’t want to promise our followers something that we can’t really deliver on,” said one Vatican official. “Our Good Friday — ahem, Decent Friday services are honestly kind of a bummer. It’s about a dude getting brutally murdered, so ‘decent’ is really the best you can hope for.”

The decision was made in response to the thousands of Catholics who leave the church in outrage every year after being let down about the kind of Friday they experienced. After 2020, a year of consistently bad days, the mass exodus was predicted to be even larger if the church didn’t properly manage expectations.

Nicole Froelich, a devout Catholic, has had her faith shaken by having her high hopes dashed. “My ‘Good’ Friday last year was mediocre at best, and that was only a couple weeks into quarantine,” Froelich said. “After the year I’ve had, I promised myself that if I was let down one more time I would go Luther on these motherfuckers. But now that it’s ‘Decent Friday’, I’ll have time to prepare myself for mediocrity. At this point, even that would be a literal Godsend.”

Ultimately, the best expectations for any given day are no expectations. That’s why Maundy Thursday is perfect — nobody knows what the hell it means, so they just take whatever happens that day in stride.