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Victoria Reveals that her Secret is Body Shaming

In a recent interview with Vogue, Victoria’s Secret Chief Marketing Officer, Ed Razek, made some inappropriate remarks about transgender and plus-sized models. Razek, who looks like he’d be an extra in an Al Pacino movie, shared that he does not believe that “transexual” and plus-sized models embody the “fantasy” that Victoria’s Secret is trying to sell. While this Vogue interview is reflective of the complete hellscape that America has become, Razek’s comments have provided some clarification for a very pressing question: What is the secret Victoria has been hiding up her (lack of) sleeve?

For years, many folks speculated that Victoria was hiding the fact that she was selling converted pieces of Victorian-era curtain from abandoned households as bras. Other theories suggested that Victoria’s confidential information was that her big-booty sweatpants were made by tiny elves in Antarctica. But Razek--the man, the myth, the blood clot on the leg of humanity--has revealed, unknowingly, what Victoria’s secret actually is. With the fear of being sued by Razek looming over my head, I will present this classified information in the form of an acrostic poem.

Boy, do I miss when Trump hosted the fashion show

On Best Buy TVs, we’d stream the event on frat row

Dudes gazing adoringly at girls in thin lace

You’d notice Bella Hadid’s enormous gate and think it was a race

Sui He walked the runway to fulfill the diversity quota

Hadids everywhere; their IQs measured by one iota

Amid all the controversy, Razek is still our king

My mind can’t stop praising Shawn Mendes for his ability to sing

I wish I could model, but I don’t fit the mold

Not understanding intersectional feminism is something that will never get old

Going outside in just angel wings and a bra seems like it would be cold


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