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Walking Corpse Approaching Death

Aging is a part of life. We’re born naked and screaming, we grow up, learn to put on clothes and do taxes, and die naked and screaming—ashes to ashes, dust to dust. However, for many in the upper echelons of society, this process can be prolonged to an almost agonizing extent. Nowhere is this better seen than in the royal family, in particular the 99 year old Prince Phillip, husband of Queen Elizabeth II.

While a quick glance at Prince Phillip might lead one to believe that they are either actively having a nightmare or staring at a corpse, Phillip is, in fact, alive. So alive that he could be seen behind the wheel of a car until the age of 97, when a crash led him to turn in his license in an attempt to avoid the inevitable vehicular manslaughter that would occur if he continued driving. Since medical science seems to indicate that the deceased cannot drive, all evidence points to Phillip’s heart beating, but it is equally likely that ash or bile flow through his blood vessels.

Despite what can only be assumed to be a combination of dark magic, top notch medical care, and animal sacrifice, it appears that the unholy existence of Prince Phillip might be coming to an end. Prince Phillip has been admitted to the hospital under “an abundance of caution” with heavy emphasis on the fact that he does not have COVID; it seems that even the coronavirus has rejected his husk of a human form. It would be unsurprising if any and all viruses and bacteria were unable to make a home in the prince. In fact, it is doubtful that Charles is even capable of touching life without it withering away into dust.

While rampant speculation is running wild in the tabloids, it’s simply unknown why Phillip has been hospitalized. Perhaps the man with one foot in the grave is simply ready to put the other foot in and finally free himself from this mortal coil. If he is capable of leaving this earthly world, it’s unlikely that he will take the desiccated pile of skin and bones with him. However, it’s unclear how physicians will determine a time of death since Phillip has not had a pulse since 2015.


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