“What was 9/11?” a City Bar bouncer asked eager patron Jack Wilshere yesterday. Wilshere was waiting to enter the establishment with 20 of his newest friends, all of whom were sporting L&S shirts.
What could be the motivation for this bizarre line of questioning? Trivia night? Maybe a TA working a second job who was testing out his lecture material? Nope. It is part of City Bar’s new policy designed to combat underage drinking following a police raid last week that found nearly 96% of the establishment’s patrons were underage.
“Ummm, what? Let me think for a second,” said the unlucky Wilshere, anxiously salivating at the mouth and fiddling with his newly minted WisCard. “The… that was the like… Oh, it’s September 11th, the date. September 11th.”
Wilshere’s friends scoffed in disbelief, not at their friend’s mystifying ignorance and pre-pubescent demeanor, but at the bouncer’s seemingly incomprehensible question.
“What the fuck?” questioned Wilshere’s friend Sarah Johnson, who reportedly can tell when something is unethical as her father is a ‘top lawyer in the country.’ “It’s a trick question! Don’t answer it.”
But City Bar’s policy is not fool-proof. Also in line with Wilshere was self-proclaimed Devil’s Advocate and promising history major Paul Richardson. He swears the bouncer’s question would never have made it past him, “even if I weren’t 21, which I definitely am.”
“I know all about 9/11, its devastating effect on America’s moral conscience and how it ultimately led to a disastrous war on terror that, if anything, only aggravated the hositlity of eastern terrorist groups towards our country,” said Richardson, who wears transition lenses and carries a pocket constitution at all times. “In fact, I read all of the Saudis’ planning documents and could probably recreate the damn thing if I wanted to.”
Wilshere’s inexcusable display of idiocy has left his tentative friendship with Richardson in a precarious situation.
“I just don’t think I can be friends with someone who contributes to the further ruining of democracy that’s underway in this country,” he added while picking his nose. “I might go get lunch with him one last time at Gordon’s, but let’s just say I’ll be channeling my inner Will Smith.”
City Bar sees the new policy as a way to not only minimize the risk of future police raids but also increase their popularity. Patrons who correctly answer the 9/11 question will now have the option to buy vodka crans in pink sippy cups, or take their pick from a variety of diapers offered in a vending machine near the door.