Well, the democratic clusterfuck that is the presidential primaries is upon us, a whirlwind more destructive than a hurricane caused by the climate crisis, and it’s past time for individual voters to start weighing the pros and cons of the Democratic candidates and asking themselves important questions, as they make one of the most momentous decisions of the next four years. Important questions like: Who has the best chance of beating Trump in the general election? Whose policy proposals are the most complete and best structured to solve systemic issues? What totally lame classic rock hits does each candidate blast for their hypothetical teenager’s hypothetical friends in the back of their 2010 Subaru minivan with the dented door while trying to connect with “the youth”?
Fear not, civic-minded Badgers! The Misnomer has the answers! At least, we have the answers to that last one. Give us a break, man; we’re trying here.
Joe Biden: The Monkees
Joe Biden has always identified with the Monkees, for some reason. He just really sees himself in the story of a band that started out as a joke and could never make themselves be seen as anything other than a pale imitation of the band in whose shadow they would always live, the Barackles – Beatles! I mean the Beatles. Obviously.
Bernie Sanders: Blondie
Bernie loves Blondie, of course, and he loves Debbie Harry because Bernie loves women. He would never tacitly support a campaign culture rife with misogyny and sexual harassment. He already said he isn’t sexist; what more do you want? Proof? He listens to Blondie! He doesn’t have a complex around badass blonde women who get dismissed as “unlikeable” and “unelectable” because their detailed policy proposals and drive to succeed are threatening to mediocre white men – not at all.
Elizabeth Warren: Black Sabbath
Elizabeth Warren has always admired Black Sabbath, not so much for their music as their marketing savvy. They brought metal to the masses by refusing to acknowledge how much they jacked that aesthetic from other bands that never achieved the same level of mainstream appeal despite originating much of Sabbath’s shtick and maintaining a devoted, cult-like following. Sabbath may not have said much that someone else hadn’t said first, but they said just that little bit nicer. So yeah. Black Sabbath. Elizabeth Warren’s favorite band.
Pete Buttigieg: Journey
Just a small-town boy
Trying to lead a lonely world
He took the midnight train going to Iowa.
Just a McKinsey boy
With no votes in south Detroit
Didn’t think his campaign would get anywhere.
Amy Klobuchar: Prince
Amy Klobuchar idolizes Prince because he’s the only person in history to accomplish the difficult task she’s trying to pull off: being cool while also being from Minnesota. Minnesota: It’s like Canada without the free healthcare and Wisconsin without the alcoholism. That makes it cool, right? Anyway, did you know Amy Klobuchar is from Minnesota?
Michael Bloomberg: Billy Idol
Michael Bloomberg was always big into the punk scene, man. Yeah, sure, the Clash was a little harsh for him, and the Sex Pistols were really too angry, but Billy Idol? Billy just gets it, man. That feeling of rage, but not enough rage to actually, like, challenge the systems that made him fabulously wealthy, coupled with a deep-seated need to be the center of attention. Always.
Tom Steyer: I don’t know, what are you listening to right now?
Oh, yeah, they’re great. Tom Steyer totally agrees that those guys are his favorite band – one of the best bands ever, in fact. Unless you like them because you think they’re a joke? Then he thinks they’re a joke, too. Either way, you guys have so much in common; you should totally vote for him. And tell your friends to vote for Tom Steyer, too, because he’s such a cool dude who totally loves your favorite band.